Associated Press
Nashville, Tennessee

SportsFan7 was announced as the owner of the Tennessee Copperheads in the AltFL today, during a media event that was open to the public and viewed by fans of the team. Broadcasting from an undisclosed location and wearing a Copperheads hat and a Texas Longhorns polo, claiming that “It looks like the Volunteers from a distance” and that he ordered a Copperheads polo, but couldn’t get it to ship in time for the event, he took a limited number of questions from the media after a short break for him to get his pizza rolls out of the oven, inadvertently revealing that he wasn’t wearing pants. When pressed on how an 18 year old got enough money to buy a professional football team, he said “I … think you’re … brea … king … up.” while waving his arms like a robot (When AltFL Commissioner Gritty was asked to comment he said, “I too was skeptical of SportsFan7’s bid, but I assure you, this kid is legit. I think he will do great things for the franchise”. Gritty, however, declined to comment on the source of SportsFan7’s wealth, saying that he doesn’t like to discuss the financial business of individual owners, but added that it is “mostly legal”). After dodging the question about his money he answered other questions, saying “I am excited for the future of Copperheads football” and “I picked Tennessee because I have never been to Nashville before and it seemed like a nice place to visit. I look forward to getting down there soon and checking out Graceland ” and “I love the AltFL and I think Gritty is the right person to lead it. I am a little concerned about AltFLShop.com, however. I mean, is it really that hard to get a man a polo shirt in less than a week. C’mon guys”.  He also declined to comment on specifics about what the team would look like both on and off the field, but said that he could talk more about that in the near future. The interview was abruptly cut off because SportsFan7 only had the free version of Zoom and his 40 minutes were up. Attempts to reach him afterwards were limited to a string of group texts saying “Sorry we got cut off, I look 4ward 2 talking 2 u next week 4 a big announcement”, followed by “Can you pick me up some more medicine. I think the rash is only getting worse”, and then “Sorry, Wrong Number”. SportsFan7 definitely brings the energy and excitement to Tennessee that Copperheads fans will enjoy, but one has to wonder about the financial well-being of the franchise.

For Immediate Release:

St. Louis, Missouri

After purchasing the Charlotte Racers of the AltHL, world renowned prosecutor Miles Edgeworth has made another purchase in the sports world, this time in St. Louis, by purchasing the St. Louis Explorers football team. In a press conference at the foot of the Gateway Arch, wearing his signature red jacket with an Explorers patch, and he announced, “This is another community I want to get involved with. The Gateway to the West is such a beautiful city that will have many successful years of football to come.”

The now 28 year old is more well known than his fellow owners, as his global law career seems to follow him everywhere, plus he holds a slightly more professional demeanor than all of the others. When asked about his fellow owners, he shrugged and said, “They’re characters, that’s for sure. Stickman does tend to annoy me a lot with all these cases. I blocked his personal number after he used it to call me asking about an incident involving seagulls, the USS Midway, and a dozen bottles of scotch.”

When asked about his push for an AltHL team in Kansas City, he stated, “I’m working on a few things and getting a couple deals in place, hopefully come expansion we will have a squad in KC. Plus I’ve got some deals in ownership changes to get the team. Do not worry, though, Racers fans. I have full dedication to bringing a championship to Charlotte. Plus, while the Scarecrows were my first pick, I’m close enough to them in St. Louis to be able to travel back and forth for the teams.”

When asked about his knowledge of football itself, he answered, “In my travels and analysis, I believe I can put together a championship team immediately. I may have not had as much time with the sport, but I’ve studied the contracts and the do’s and don’ts of building a championship caliber team. I want to thank Gritty for making this possible, and giving us the leverage to start a second league, in football this time, and giving me a chance to shape a team into a true champion. I simply cannot wait to start this season. We will carve a new frontier of success!”

Barely There Sports Management announces purchase of AtlFL’s Kentucky Stallions.

In a statement strategically taped to a statue of a nude man made of polished steel, BTSM’s elusive and alleged founder officially announced the management’s acquisition of Stallions instead of the Arizona Scorpions who were the only other team available for purchase.

“We felt a connection to this brand since it’s unveiling,” the message went on to say, “we were pleasantly surprised that the Stallions were available at this point in the draft.”

Balu could not be reached for further comment.

Flashback to 2000:

The Dallas Bandits have announced the hiring of Bill Belichek, former assistant head coach of the now-defunct New York Jets. We believe that with Bill, we can have a dynasty of sorts for decades to come.

The Milwaukee Mallards are pleased to hire Milwaukee native and former Boston College head coach Jeff Jagodzinski as their head coach.

"When I took ownership of this team, I wanted to make it a true hometown team in every respect," Mallards owner Michael Burmy stated.  "As such, I wanted to make sure our head coach was someone from right here in Milwaukee, with a strong, proven track record, and was pleased to see how long the list was of coaches who fit these criteria.  Unfortunately, the vast majority of them were dead, and many did their coaching back when players still wore leather helmets, so the name which stood out on this considerably smaller list was Jeff's."

"Jeff was born in Milwaukee is an alumnus of West Allis Central High School and UW-Whitewater, and his coaching experience is as stellar as they come, most notably serving for two years as Boston College's head coach.  He will bring a high-flying offensive style which will not only make us contenders on the field, but make the games downright fun for all the Quackheads in the stands."

Announcements regarding the Mallards' stadium plans and training camp college are pending.