FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Undisclosed Location, Earth
Febraury 26,th 2022

NoE walks up to the podium at an undisclosed location. Somehow, despite never announcing that there would even be an unveiling conference, dozens of reporters have managed to find this location and are here to find out what AltLB team will be joining the ranks of the Utah Raptors, Philadelphia Founders, and New York Sentinels as under his control.

“I don’t like giving speeches, so I’m just gonna leave now, then have our AMAZING graphic design team unveil a graphic announcing our pick”. He points to an old creaky projector that’s probably emitting dangerous levels of radiation. It’s barely holding on. Then, without warning, NoE and his executives sprint as fast as they can off of the stage and leave the building, still sprinting. Everything goes dark, then suddenly, with classical music and air horns blasting in the background, the graphic is projected onto the wall. 

Gasps were heard throughout the room. After the realization sunk in for a few seconds, there was the noise of what sounded like muffled tears coming from a majority of the room. Whether they were tears of joy, sadness, disgust, or ionizing radiation, we will ever know. Still sprinting unreasonably fast down the street, NoE and his executives celebrate after hearing the unveiling was “successful”. Even after being told that all the reporters had left, he and his team were still running, presumably towards the city of Detroit.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION:
“Sevs, you’re on the clock.” “I know ja-broni! Have you ever heard about thinking?!”
39 minutes later…
“Everyone, welcome to this press conference. I am here to state tha-no wait, DANCE to the team I am selecting, and hit it boys!” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gj0Rz-uP4Mk
Sevs rips his suit and jeans off for a 60’s look.
“Welcome to Memphis, baby!”

The Carolina Griffins are proud to announce our Minor League affiliates. We are focused on keeping our players close to home, thus the selection of the following cities:

Triple-A: Charlotte
Double-A: Norfolk
Single-A: Asheville

Full brand reveals will happen soon, as will stadium announcements and the announcement of our manager.
 

Last edited by QCS (2/26/2022 7:26 pm)

The Los Angeles Condors are proud announce their minor league affiliates. The following cities and team names have been chosen:
AAA: Anaheim Orange Sox
AA: San Diego Surfers
A: Tijuana Águilas (Eagles)

The home stadium of the Condors has been the same ever since they arrived in LA back in 1962. That stadium is Condor Stadium, which seats 56,000 people.
 

Last edited by Kingsfan11 (3/16/2022 9:36 pm)

TWO DAYS IN THE FUTURE
FEBRUARY 28, 2022
It was a glorious day in downtown, as hundreds of loyal Talons fans gathered to play beer pong, eat lots of beef, and drink like irishmen at a tailgate and concert event in celebration of the opening of the new stadium of the Talons. Popular local rapper Drake was supposed to perform, but due to a booking error, a 40 year-old carpenter who was also a Drake look and sound-alike named Drunk showed up instead. His performance consisted of him stealing drinks from audience members and drunkenly yelling profanities while rap instrumentals played in the background before he was eventually forced offstage by security. Thank god the performances by The Weeknd and Avril Lavigne were the real deal.

Meanwhile, in a conference room at Fetcher World HQ nearby, journalists and investors sat waiting for an appearance by owner Rick Fetcher. Many doubted he would even show up, since he was currently in the hospital after being shot down by an anti-aircraft gun and falling into the lake on Saturday. Then suddenly, they heard violent screaming from down the hall. And it seemed to be getting louder. And closer. Finally, Fetcher burst into the room, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and bleeding from his arm.

“Oh my god, Rick, what are you doing?”

“Good news, the hospital decided to let me go early! Also, I have not injured my head in any way!”

“Are you sure? You look like you just ripped out an IV!”

“How would you even know that?”

“You have the end piece still stuck in your arm!”

Rick tore the piece out, and then patched up his wound with a Toronto Beavers brand band-aid. One of his biggest investors, stock manager Andrew McCheese, got up to speak.

“Rick Fetcher, we are worried about you. You have not been yourself since you returned from your business trip in Samoa! I mean, tying yourself to balloons and flying over Toronto unauthorized? Attempting to purchase hawk feet illegally? Escaping the hospital?”

“They let me leave early because I’m fine, McChest!”

“I highly doubt that. And I give you more money than anyone else in this room, I’m like you best best friend! How do you still not know my name?”

“Whatever, McChonk.”

“…Whatever you want to announce better be good, Rick.”

Rick stood in silence and stared at Andrew for several seconds, then called in two men.

“Reporters, I’d like to introduce you to the men who will be running your Toronto Talons! Over here is our general manager, actor Ryan Reynolds!”

Ryan Reynolds waved to the group. A reporter stood up.

“Mr, Reynolds, why did you accept Mr. Fetcher’s offer to be general manager of the Talons?”

“He offered me a lot of perks. Big salary, the chance to appear in a lot of commercials, and the destruction of all evidence that the green lantern movie existed.”

Rick chimed in.

“Yes, very nice. Would you like a cookie from the snack table?”

“…No thanks.”

“Are you sure? They’re free, guy.”

“…I’m going to hurt you if you ever make a joke like that again.”

“Sheesh, I was just asking.”

Another reporter asked a question.

“Okay, Detective Pikachu here is the General manager, but what about the other guy?”

The other guy was standing directly behind the investors, eating a pancake with his bare hands.

“Oh, so I was going to hire Section30 to be our manager, but he told me he didn’t want to, so thanks to the magic of robotics, I have got the next best thing! Introducing our new manager, Shell Andyson!”

This man was the spitting image of Section, but appeared to be of considerably lower intelligence, judging by the fact that he tried to take a swig of water, but he held the bottle too far from his face so it all went onto the floor.

“Mr. Andyson, what do you plan to do as manager?”

“…Microphone.”

“Ha ha, isn’t he a hoot?”

Shell then awkwardly walked towards the snack table while a clapping sound was heard, tore off one of the legs, and took a bite out of it while saying “Crunch.” Everyone glared at him, then at Fetcher. McCheese broke the silence.

“You know, about a month ago I heard this report about an experimental, untested task management robot being stolen from a lab in Osaka. They provided photos and video of the robot, and I’m sure if you shaved off all of Shell’s hair and removed all that clothing, he would look identical to the stolen-”

He was interrupted by a doctor bursting in.

“There he is! He escaped the hospital and hijacked an unused ambulance! We haven’t done his MRI scan yet, he needs to go back now!”

“Shut up, Dr. Singh! You can’t make me go back for my MRI scan!”

“…Ok.”

Dr. Singh left the room.

“…So, any questions?”

“…I hate you, Fetcher.”

“Shut up, McChuck.”

Minor league and stadium announcements will follow shortly!

Last edited by ThisIsFine (2/26/2022 7:58 pm)