FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 25, 2022

Undisclosed Location –– The dimly lit, slight out of focus video feed switched on and showed Mrs. Irene, the elderly technically challenged secretarial assistant for Halcyon Sports Group standing nervously near an empty wooden podium set against a dingy black curtain.

Suddenly Steelman emerged limping from behind the curtain looking disheveled and covered in dirt and grime and a coagulated dark red substance that looked suspiciously like blood. Irene looked horrified.

“Sorry y'all, had to take care of some bingness, I mean, business,” as he wiped his hands on his slightly torn up shirt. “Some massive bonehead was impersonating me and using Halcyon to stir up drama in the new AltLB. He scared poor Irene out of her mind.”

Suddenly a dark figure appeared in the shadows, causing commotion and shouting irreverent things.

Steelman immediately turned the podium toward the advancing intruder as Mrs. Irene hid behind him in fear. “Show yourself!”

“I am Mike Murderfish, I am here to avenge the wrongful demise of my nephew, Bingfish.”

Steelman started laughing much to the shock of Mr. Murderfish, who was confused by this response. “Better watch out there, Uncle Mikey old boy. You don't want to mess with me. I have defeated one Fish and will gladly defeat another one of you sons of b––“

“STEEL, SIR!” exclaimed Mrs. Irene in absolute horror and disgust. “Must you always behave like such a ruffian?”

As Mr. Murderfish looked on in astonishment, Steelman leapt in the air from his one good knee and landed a Marshall Eriksen-style holy slap of all slaps that collided with Mike's face in a scaly and thunderous explosion. Mike Murderfish melted into a pool of seawater and fish guts at the base of the podium.

Steelman slowly stood up and brushed his greasy hands on his jeans and adjusted his now even more torn shirt and stepped back behind the podium.

“Well then,” he said as he cleared his throat and took a deep breath.”

Mrs. Irene looked like she'd seen a ghost and was cowering in the corner, muttering things to herself. Probably about why she still even chose to work for this recently emerging lunatic.

“Now that bingness, I mean, business has been taken care of, let's get to the point. Honestly you'd think they would have learned by now. Don't mess with Texas.”

With that, Steelman turned and ripped down the dingy black curtain to reveal the set was actually outdoors on his huge ranch in Texas. “I'd like to officially welcome the Dallas Sidewinders to the Halcyon Sports Group family.”

With that he put on a red and white Sidewinders cap and strode off the rickety platform as he was heard saying, "Now what am I gonna do with all these bodies? Dog Gamn. Sports is a messy bingness, I mean, business."

Irene will probably need therapy again, poor thing.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

February 25, 2022

Tampa, Florida

It was a tough day in the Gritty war room. When the design process began Gritty was interested in a number of teams. But as time went on...only one really spoke to him and checked all of the boxes. Gritty was ready to bring the Stone Age to Philadelphia by selecting his second Philadelphia franchise. But in a not-so-surprising surprising Section30's selection of Philadelphia sent the war room into a tizzy. 

In his hour of darkness Gritty looked to his closest friend and confidant, the Philly Phanatic (minority owner of the Philadelphia Brawlers). In that moment, nobody has to say a word. The Phanatic pointed to his winter home on the map, Clearwater, Florida. Just across the bay...an exciting new ball club is ready to play. Despite his crazy demeanor, Gritty has typically leaned toward more traditional teams. But in the country's most traditional sport Gritty has decided to go with a modern team. 

The Tampa Bay Turtles are officially apart of the Gritty Ownership Group. In reality, Tampa Bay baseball has a growing connection with Montreal (Rays--> Expos). Gritty now has the connection covered with the Turtles and Chevaliers. 

For Immediate Release:

Chicago, Illinois

World renowned prosecutor Miles Edgeworth is at it again and has made a FOURTH purchase in the sports world, this time in the Windy City, by purchasing the Chicago Pros baseball team. In a press conference at the main gates of the stadium, wearing a black Pros jacket, he announced, “Once more my ownership will stay in the Midwest, now at one of the biggest cities in the country. Imagine not taking Chicago when you had the chance.”

The 28 year old recently declined an offer on the West Coast to be Chief Prosecutor, when asked, he answered, “I work more out of the Midwest nowadays. Nothing can tear the feeling of the Midwest being my home.”

A recent trade with Carolina’s favorite representative in AltHL ownership sparked quite the array of questions. Edgeworth’s response, “I had a theory, I just wanted one more year to prove it right. QCS is the rightful owner of the Carolina and Charlotte teams, now they have full control.”

In another shocking announcement, the Prosecutor introduced the team’s special ambassador, as Living Color’s familiar song started blaring, WWE Hall of Famer Howard Finkel’s voice rang out, “Introducing the special ambassador, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing 218 pounds, CM PUNK!” Punk was received with a uproaring applause. Then the CM Punk ice cream bars got passed out among the attendees. The Chicago faithful were already in love with the new chapter.

#SpeakeasyPruh

I never thought I needed to see EDGE that many times in a row until now. Welcome to scratch’s filibuster. I’ll see y’all tomorrow.

ItDoesntMatter wrote:

Thehealthiestscratch wrote:

I never thought I needed to see EDGE that many times in a row until now. Welcome to scratch’s filibuster. I’ll see y’all tomorrow.

filibuster? who's this buster guy




is he hot

Filibuster? I hardl—