Stickman wrote:

You know, an Ass Coach really wouldn't be a terrible idea.  Oftentimes, when dribbling to the basket, players use their booty to help physically push their way to the basket until they can make a move.  An Ass Coach would teach players to use their tushies to full effect.   I mean, you can't just bum rush your way to the basket.  You have to have discipline and technique to master the art of throwing your trunk into another man's junk to move them out of your way.  

That, my friends, is the craft of an Ass Coach.  The Albuquerque Invaders proved themselves to be Thinkers, not Sphincters.

All of this will absolutely be a part of Mr. Ballton's duties as our Ass(istant) Coach. I mean look at this face. This is the face of a man who knows ass:

The Pittsburgh Hammers have hired their Ass Coach.we hired someone who had his career derailed by injury after staring in college at Oklahoma State, then after a solid 6 year career, retiring due to a chronic back injury. Welcome to Pittsburgh Bryant "Big Country" Reeves!

Last edited by Dan O'Mac (4/05/2021 3:44 pm)

Rugrat wrote:

The New York Sentinels announced that former Phoenix Suns star “Thunder” Dan Marjerle will be there ass. coach. They also announced that they’re longtime mascot, Leo the Lion will be joined by Lisa the Lion for the upcoming season.

But with the legacy project, wouldn't Dan Marjerle be a Honolulu Kahunas star?

After hiring, then firing, Jay Triano in a span of about five minutes, the Omaha Barnstormers have hired hometown hero/AHSylum darling Neal Pionk as their head coach. At his introductory press conference, held before a socially distant gathering of the local sports media, owner Combat Baby indicated that there is a decent possibility that he will be assisted by multiple Ass Coaches, almost certainly no more than two or three. Before he left Coach Pionk to give his first speech to the press, he also thanked Dan O'Mac, owner of the Pittsburgh Hammers, for his much-needed advice and guidance in the interviewing process.

Dick Dingleberry, fresh off his latest psychologist session and in a foul mood, arrived at Corporate Bank Dome for another Basketball Owner Stickman announcement. 

Of all the times he'd been asked/forced to interview the party crazed owner, this seemed the most pointless reason.  Apparently, the idiot was going to announce his hiring of an Ass Coach, some crazy new bandwagon trend that many AltBA owners had jumped on.  Some genius, (Dick suspected a numbers geek that spent more time studying unnecessary stats than watching actual games) had determined that now, the most important ASSet in basketball was.... your ass (heh, I might have to use that, he thought to himself).

As usual, Stickman had arranged a ridiculous Party-Gras, complete with his Gator Boys, (Chester, Lester, Fester, and Beau- who somehow was still alive), Nancy, the transitioning leprechaun, and the Crockettes (who, by law, now had to be female after the last time Dingleberry attended a Party Gras and was traumatized by disguised male clowns).  It was all totally wasteful and gaudy, just like the white masked moron atop his throne.

"TODAY!!!" Yelled Stickman in his Ringmaster-esque voice.  " I have a very short announcement to make because I just want to... PARTY GRAS!!!" (for the record, Dick despised the phrase Party Gras and was even more angry that the crowd actually cheered the phrase... uncultured swine).  "I am happy to announce that we have, in trendy style of course, hired the first ever Ass Coach in New Orleans Revelers history!" (Oh brother, what out of shape basketball player did he hire? thought Dick)

The curtains behind Stickman pulled away and revealed, not a basketball player, but...
"INTRODUCING YOUR NEW ASS COACH!!  ALL TIME SUMO WRESTLING GREAT, HAKUHO SHO!!! YOKOZUNA OF ASS FIGHTING!!!".  It was too much for Dingleberry, before he knew it, he had standing up, veins popping out of redden face, screaming.

"ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME, STICKMAN?!?!?!  HE'S A SUMO WRESTLER, WHAT THE F*** IS HE GOING TO TEACH BASKETBALL PLAYERS ABOUT BASKETBALL!?!?!?!?!?  JUST BECAUSE HE'S GOT A HUGE ASS DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN TEACH YOUR TEAM ANY ACTUAL SKILL USING THEIRS!!!  YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE F***ING IDIOT FOR HIRING THIS LARD ASS!!!!!!!"

It took approximately 0.005 seconds for Dick to realize to realize he made a fatal error insulting the sumo great.  Great, he thought, now I'm gonna die.  And indeed, Hakuho Sho made towards him to cause him likely death before Stickman stopped him.  "Wait a second friend!  Apparently Mr. Dingleberry hasn't yet realized the value you possess.  You see Dick, Yokozuna Sho uses his hands and body effectively to help push opponents around the sumo ring, meaning he knows how to move bodies using his.  If there is a man on planet Earth that knows how to teach a man how to use his body to move another man's, it's Hakuho Sho."

"Finally, I announce that in addition to being the Ass Coach, Hakuho Sho is now the newest member of the GATOR BOYS!!!- Beau just went missing for some reason- so they now consist of CHESTER, LESTER, FESTER, and SHO!!!!!"  

While the foolish crowd screamed in surprise and pleasure, Dick groaned in annoyance and grief.  "This just gets worse every day" he thought to himself as he left the press conference to go to hotel, where at least his friends Jim, Jack, Johnny, and Jose would greet him with open arms.  Yes, he would get good and trashed tonight to forget today's woes.....