FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
By Michael Burmy

"In the spirit of short press releases, I would like to announce my purchase of the one team whose name-the-team contest I won...so I will be taking my ownership talents to the nation's capital and buying the Washington Warbirds."

ThisIsFine wrote:

e nā kānaka, hoʻomākaukau e pūʻiwa.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 21, 2021
Honolulu, Hawaii, US
Today, dozens of Honolulans descended upon a ceremony being held downtown at Hawai’iloa Park, a shiny new commercial district playing host to an indoor arena and Fetcher Hotels Inc.’s palatial Hawai’iloa Hotel. In the former, a press event was held where Rick Fetcher and the newly-renamed Magellan Entertainment (Previously Ice Age Entertainment) would be making an important announcement regarding the Alt Basketball Association. The lights dimmed and the luau music stopped as the man with the white T-shirt and Hawaiian print tie walked onstage.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Magellan Entertainment is excited to announce it has acquired ownership of the AltBA’s Honolulu Kahunas.”

Of course, seeing that he already owned two franchises in Hogtown up north, there was no possible way Rick could be expected to run this one in the middle of the pacific either. Which is why he gave owner duties to Fetcher Hotels Vice President and native Japanese-American Jacob Nettai, who gave a full speech as Rick left.

“I have spent most of my life in this little city, the Big Pineapple, and the two constants of my life were the Hawaii U Rainbow Warriors and the Honolulu Kahunas, which is why I am so thrilled to take up the reins of such an iconic local franchise. This team is our cultural glue. We have all had our share of ups and downs here, especially after the white people came and dissolved the monarchy, but hey, at least we had AltBA basketball for part of it. I would like to thank our Hawaiian heroes throughout history, including Duke Kahanamoku and Iz Kamakawiwo’ole, Hawaiian Airlines, for agreeing to be our presenting sponsor, and everyone currently working to end discrimination against Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders.” Nettai then attempted to stage dive into the crowd, but faceplanted hard onto the floor, having suffered a fall of 4 feet after nobody bothered to catch him. He proceeded to lay on the floor moaning in pain for a good 1 ½ minutes while Iz’s rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” played on the loudspeaker.

Also notable is that shortly after leaving the conference, Fetcher and several other colleagues were seen stacking walls of sandbags and putting massive tarps all over Hawai’iloa Park, believing it would protect them from a swarm of angry, poopy nenes Fetcher believed fellow owner Thehealthiestscratch would send as revenge for his supposed first choice being taken. They all left the property before they could be questioned, and there is no evidence Fetcher’s accusation is true.

Since you're not on the Discord, congrats! Your teams' jerseys were designed by my 6-year old son!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Undisclosed Location – The press release podium at Halcyon Sports Group headquarters in Halifax stood eerily empty as the news crew and cameramen were unsure of what was going on or where their eccentric owner Steelman was this time. Suddenly a phone call rang out from the podium and Mrs. Irene, Steelman's technically challenged elderly secretary rushed to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Yes, Irene, sorry about this,” Steelman said through a hiss of static. “I was on a flight to the Big Apple but I just got a call from my inside source that my business dealings there just got tanked by some bastards from cactus land.”

“Hello?” said Irene again, frantically.

“Yes, Irene. Are you there?”

“Yes sir, I am now. Can you hear me?”

“Listen, Irene. Please tell the people of Detroit I'm on my way.”

“Did you say Detroit?”

“Yes, Irene, Detroit. They're building a winner there and I build winners."

“Hello???”

“Irene, turn me on speaker, dammit. We're going to turn the Mustangs into a basketball powerhouse. We're gonna be ballsy bullies on the hardwood. We're gonna have balls of *static hiss* steel.”

“MR. STEELMAN, SIR!” Irene exclaimed dramatically in outrage.

“BALLS OF STEEL, IRENE,” Steelman shouted back.

Irene threw up her hands in pure shock, her delicate senses overwhelmed.

“Did you hear me, Irene? Irene? I said BALLS OF ST––“

** click **

Irene smoothed out her dress and took a big breath and smiled politely.

“Well, I suppose you heard the man. Halcyon Sports Group is purchasing the Detroit Mustangs.”

Dick Dingleberry woke up this afternoon in a foul mood, hung over from over indulgence.   In his defense, he had reason to be slammed the night before, he had drawn the unfortunate task of interviewing Basketball Owner Stickman.

The annoucement was in New Orleans, which was already odd, since Stickman had always picked Los Angeles based teams and Dingleberry had a bad feeling he knew some major shenanigans would likely be up.   Upon arrival to a lovely Cajun Mansion, he noticed an elaborate purple, green, and gold themed get up, "Typical", he thought to himself, "He's going Mardi Gras for this one... welp, hope the idiot makes this short and sweet".   

Dingleberry had to admit, he was fond of the set-up, it was rather classy.   He suddenly remembered that Football Owner Stickman was actually quite professional, if lacking a personality at all.   Maybe this Stickman will just have a friendly southern charm to him.   Yeah, maybe this won't be too bad after all, Dick thought to himself as he relaxed a little.

Suddenly, the doors flew open dramatically and hope Dick had went down the drain.  4 extremely muscular (and for some reason very well oiled consider Stickman was known to be a straight married guy) men with gator masks on carried a throne down the long staircase with what had to be Basketball Stickman himself.  The owner had a plain white mardi gras styled mask on, wearing a spectacular purple suit.   If Dick had any expectations before the arrival of Stickman, they were gone, he was left staring blankly in stunned silence.  

Basketball Owner Stickman leaped off the throne, summersaulting in the air flamboyantly before crashing upon the ground.  The error was brief though, as he gracefully jumped up to his feet and pronounced loudly, his voice like that of an ringmaster at the circus, "FRIENDS, ROMANS, AND EVEN STRANGE LIBERALS!  WELCOME TO THE OPENING CEREMONY TO THE FIRST DAY OF..... THE NEW ORLEANS REVELERS!!!   Oh, don't mind the gator boys!  Chester, Lester, Fester, and Mo are merely my assistants, here to provide you maximum entertainment!  Now I will very briefly take a question or two, for tonight Mardi Gras Party, which I shall now call.................PARTY GRAS will begin for all Revelers fans!  There will be food, drink, elephants, clowns, jugglers, lions, and yes piggy back rides from the Gator Boys!"

Dick was stunned, irritated, and mostly, horrified.  Hockey Owner Stickman was crazy, sure.  But at least he was mostly just an idiot.  This guy seemd the type to lead a Heaven's Gate styled cult.   As flamboyant as he was, he DID have a charm to him, just not the southern gentleman type Dingleberry had hoped for.  This was too much, he had to know.

"Yeah, I got one, you weird idiot!" Dick yelled, "What are you?!  Are you one idiot with multiple personalities?  Or is there some weird army of you idiots?"

Stick laughed heartily, "Oh, THAT old chestnut?  Well, I wouldn't mind answering that at all..."  Dick straightened up, could it be?  Would Stickman finally answer the question that has eluded him for years?  Would his pain and misery end at last?  

"... but that would spoil the PARTY GRAS!!!  LET THE PARTY BEGIN!!!" Stickman screamed as several beautiful women (along with the well oiled men.... err Gator Boys) suddenly came together and formed a conga line, dancing back into the mansion. 

Whether the Party Gras was entertaining or not, Dick never knew, for in utter anger, disappointment, and sheer bewilderment, he simply turned around and went straight back to his hotel, totally at a lost for how to report this story.

So yes, the Stickman has selected the New Orleans Revelers!  Let all true fans rejoice!   #TrueReverlersAlwaysPartyGras