Palau has been defeated by Nauru... sad day in history for Palau...

The German Non-National Rugby with Knives team has been "liquidated". We will not continue to bring you updates as this story develops.

we turn now to iraq, where archaeologists have made a groundbreaking discovery. for more, we turn to spliff thompson, who is reporting live from the field. spliff?

thanks, john. so as you can see behind me, the team here has found some fascinating stuff. they've uncovered what appears to be a wide-open field with several human skeletons and about thirty sharp weapons made out of pointed stone. some of these weapons appear to have been stabbed into the skeletons, including one who appears to have been carrying a much larger, rounded rock under his arm, which they believe may have been a ball of some kind

so far, the scientists' leading theory is that this may be an early form of rugby with knives, calling into question its purported origins in the year 1920-1921?. ultimately, more research is needed, but I would strongly encourage our viewers to do their own research, since they're probably smarter than those nincompoop scientists anyway. jon?

thanks, spliff. now for a report on the weather, which is much more temperate since we haven't started doing any climate change yet