With the 14th pick in the AltLB Owner Draft, 3Point has selected the HOUSTON BATS. 

OPERATOR: 911, what’s your emergency?
CALLER: Yeah, there’s this big scary thing in the sky, and it’s menacing me!
OPERATOR: Okay, okay, sir, I need you to calm down-
CALLER: I AM F***ING CALM!
OPERATOR: Okay, alright! What exactly is in the sky?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FEBRUARY 24, 2022
TORONTO, ONTARIO
The world was on edge, due to previous foreign circumstances that will not be named. So when an unidentified flying object was reported flying into the GTA from the west, it raised concern and suspicion for many residents. It wasn’t until it actually came into view that Toronto began to panic. Thousands ran screaming in terror and performed various criminal acts as as a man wearing a baseball cap and a jumpsuit, strapped via harness to dozens of helium balloons, floated above the downtown area with no apparent objective. It wasn’t until the Canadian Army shot it down with an anti-aircraft gun over Lake Ontario that order was restored. The nation watched as the man, all of his balloons popped, fell for miles and miles and landed in the water with a loud BALOOSH!

But the story went on from there. Less than an hour later, a man matching the description of the floating menace emerged from the lake and onto a platform at Toronto Harbor, vomiting unnerving amounts of water. He was disheveled, tired, and holding a pair of severed chicken feet. He was immediately swarmed by reporters from several major outlets. He was shortly identified as the infamous Rick Fetcher, millionaire owner of Fetcher Hotels, Wellfields, and Magellan Entertainment, the group that controlled controlled the football Beavers, hockey Terriers, and basketball Kahunas. Fetcher had not made a public appearance in several weeks leading up to the incident, leading to various conspiracy theories ranging from drug smuggling to alien abduction. Reporters were understandably eager to get to the bottom of this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Sir, why did you just fly over Downtown strapped to balloons and almost directly cause the apocalypse?”

“The private jet was in for repairs, and besides, it’s pretty fricking cool. (vomits)”

“You just fell from the sky and hit the frigid water at several kilometers per second. How are you still alive?

“I don’t know, next question.”

“Where have you been all of this time?”

“Well, I’d love to talk about that, but my hecking lawyer says I could be arrested by three seperate governments if I do. (Almost vomits again, but doesn’t)”

“Why the hell do you have chicken feet?”

“Parks service wouldn’t let me have hawk feet, and the black market dealer scammed me. Etienne, if you’re reading this, I want my $500 back.”

“Wha-why exactly would you need hawk feet?”

“…Isn’t it obvious? (takes off generic baseball cap, materializes Talons cap out of thin air, puts that on instead) I own the Talons now.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While many are concerned about the future of this more than 40 year-old franchise, and any head injuries Fetcher might have obtained from his fall, Questions still remain about what Fetcher has been doing away from the public eye for so long. Two things are for certain, however: Magellan Entertainment is now the full owner of the Toronto Talons baseball team, and “Balloongate” is going to be a nightmare for Edgeworth and the Fetcher Enterpises legal team.

#Talontown #LetsGoToronto

Last edited by ThisIsFine (2/26/2022 2:39 pm)

For Immediate Release:

Oconomowoc, Wisconsin

n00bthtpwnz, owner of the AltFL's Birmingham Vulcans, approaches the microphone at the hastily set up podium.

"Look, I'm just gonna say it. I'm here to compete, that's it. I'm not gonna have some crazy personality like other owners in this league. Those people can do what they want, I don't care, I'm just here to compete. That being said, I'm proud to announce that I am taking ownership of the Montreal Saints. I'm looking forward to leading this team to victory in the near future."

FOR CATCH AND RELEASE:

25 𐐙𐐯𐐺𐑉𐐭𐐯𐑉𐐨 2022

INT. DYING ROOM - NIGHT - A silhouette dances on the wall behind the figure. The shadow does the sprinkler, then an Irish jig, then finally a trendy TikTok dance before its progenitor motions for it to stop. This is the third time through the message. The First Person has not moved yet. One more.

COME IN.

Ah, yes, here The First Person goes. The First Person’s muscles have finally won the conflict with The First Person’s brain. Since eleven flights would need to be climbed, there was no need for the figure to rush. Yet, that is what the shadowy figure does. The figure reaches out, without looking, and grabs the shadow on the white wall. Carrying it under the arm like a football or a particularly long baguette, the figure hastily retreats next door, leaving the door unlocked for The First Person. Without the shadowy figure, its silhouette, or its trenchcoat, the room contained nothing but the lone bulb and a baseball cap.

Footsteps approached. The room so recently vacated was no longer so. The First Person was here, awake and dreaming, and distracted. The shadowy figure released his silhouette. It was go time. The First Person picked up the hat. As The First Person motioned to put it on, the silhouette snuck into the room and prepared its comically large hammer. With a deafening squeak, The First Person’s world went dark. It was time to go.

—---------------------------------------------

The silhouette spoke with the squirrels. The transportation went successfully. The payment would go through. The squirrels were agreeable contractors. A twitch from The First Person sent the rodents scurrying and moved the shadowy figure and his progeny into the hallway. A simple wink jolted Iggy to attention. This was his time.

The shadowy figure recessed into an alcove. So many would wish to be a fly on the wall for this upcoming conversation. The shadowy figure would be, in a sense. The shadowy figure started buzzing at precisely the right pitch. Iggy and The First Person emerged, heading for the office.

Death is such a hard thing to comprehend. Many accept it as a fact of life. Others choose not to think of it at all. Entire sects are devoted to discovering or prognosticating about what happens on the other side of your final moments. The reality is less glamorous … unless you are The First Person. For most, the ceasing of breath was just the beginning of life among the cornfields and rolling hills.

The First Person, however, would finally truly live.

The shadowy figure was in his element. Neon. The garish light of the casinos splattered haphazardly across the promenade. The First Person awoke once more. The First Person checked The First Person’s hand. No cap. The First Person’s head, however, bore the one thread that linked the beforelife and the afterlife. And the sky reflected The First Person’s helm.

The First Person arose.

Gazing toward the future, who would think to look at the past? The shadowy figure would. Its silhouette was there, as was its work. It stepped back to that moment. Precisely 2:07 AM, on 25 𐐙𐐯𐐺𐑉𐐭𐐯𐑉𐐨 2022. There were more. The shadowy figure laid out the next hat. This one was for the one(?) known as JamHeronArk. “Minnesota Gemini,” it said.

Wait.

Hats shouldn’t talk.

Last edited by JamHeronArk (2/26/2022 2:46 pm)

For Immediate Release
Beverly Hills, California, United States
February 26th, 2022
 
A group of journalists gathered outside of the newly acquired mansion of KF11, the mysterious owner of KF11 Inc who had invited journalists to spread some news

The man of the hour, KF11 exited his mansion to meet the journalists and said: “I invited you all here to give you some great news. KF11 Inc. is acquiring another sports franchise”

He then pointed to two statues on the right of the journalists and said: “I currently have the Quebec Owls of the AltHL and Vancouver Caribou of the AltBA” while pointing at the silver owl and bronze caribou statues.

KF11 then pointed to the left of the journalists where they could see a covered statue and a statue base.“That statue base will eventually be filled when I acquire an AltFL team”. 

He then had an assistant pull down the curtain on the covered statue to reveal a gold condor. “I am officially announcing that KF11 Inc. has acquired the Los Angeles Condors of the AltLB”

Last edited by Kingsfan11 (3/06/2022 4:56 pm)