From his glamorous perch at the bar in the Sands Hotel in Atlantic City, your "Cousin" Carmine Cappeletti is here with the latest rumors from the PUCH.

Motown seems to be stuck in a rock and a hard place and one rumor that's circling between my informants is that Quincy Quarles is considering a wholesale firesale and just try to accrue assets for the future.

Empire City is rumored to be under pressure from upper management to get into the playoffs with the words "At all Costs" "Costs be Damned" being thrown about around the HQ, so don't be surprised if they overspend at the deadline trying to make a playoff push

and lastly with all quiet on the Western Front, Howler-Hawkins is currently asking around for prices for how to boost their depth. Unfortunately for the Pinwheels thanks to Osborne's persistence they have soured many managers with consistent lowballing on asking prices.

Motown, get the incinerator ready, we’re going to have to light this dumpster on fire to make it better.

Welcome back to the Definitive Report of PUCH! Our third segment comes to us from the fresh-faced Bartholomew Boxbender, who seemed extremely nervous and unconfident as he delivered his notes. Of course, everything that comes to our desk should be taken with a grain of salt, but for this installment, you may want a full pinch or two.

Leading off with Ohio. Boxbender apparently overheard a very loud team meeting led by Ass. Coach Franklin Ferguson. He was only able to catch a snippet, but he reports hearing Ferguson say "crack in the locker room." With no other context, it's impossible to know if Ferguson simply meant that the team needed to work on chemistry, or if they were dealing with a different, more illegal type of crack.

Next on the docket is Montréal, where more baffling comments are being contributed to Monarques goalie Abe Kohler. It seems Kohler is taking issue with playing in a bilingual city, reportedly calling French "gobbledygook" and hockey "an American, English-speaking sport" (quotes are from Boxbender). Apart from being completely wrong on a factual level, this is extremely problematic, and may be cause for removal from the team in one way or another, especially given Kohler has already gotten himself into some trouble.

Lastly, Motown. Everybody's talking about Chrome, but for good reason: they suck. This one is particularly juicy, though, and not because it involves everyone's favorite PUCH scout, Juice Jenkins. We've already heard that owner Quincy Quarles potentially has plans to sell off players, coaches, staffers, you name it, and head coach Craig Carlsson is probably at the top of that list. Some are even wondering why Carlsson isn't out the door already. Well, here's one possible reason. Boxbender has delivered us what he - claims is a strong word. Perhaps "lightly implies" - are documents sent from Carlsson to Quarles, which feature Carlsson threatening to "spill the beans. You know, the beans that you don't want anybody else to know about." How Boxbender got his hands on these is unclear, but he was very adamant that he used his hands to acquire them. As for Quarles, he may want to start reviewing his legal options.

Last edited by ItDoesntMatter (4/20/2022 11:46 pm)

It is time for the fourth and BEST segment from The Drop.

This segment comes from the amazing reporter named Spyro Salivara. Spyro is extremely confident with his news as he gets it all from reliable sources.

It seems as if the PUCH is looking to expand for seasons to come and one city that was picked up on was none other than Steubenville, Ohio.
Just kidding Spyro was just pulling your leg. The real city is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The rumor is said to have originated at an EC game, 
in which Spyro overheard a conversation with two wealthy looking men. They both claimed that they broke ground on a new ice rink in the city.
The two wealthy looking men also claimed that they had a bid for an expansion team. However, the two men said they need more investments for the team.

This all seems to be true because Spyro heard it and reported on it. So for all the PUCH fans out there. Please expect a new team in Pittsburgh.

1982 APRIL FOOLS TRADE DEADLINE

With speculation raging from eager reporters to cover all the hot gossip for the inaugural PUCH trade deadline, tempers were flaring and rumors were flying. Several owners and players will have to convene press conferences soon to answer many questions, but for now April Fools has arrived and the trades are already kicking off.

Empire City traded speedy veteran winger Will Jorgensen to Howler-Hawkins for forward Clayton Bakersley and a 1983 2nd round draft pick. The move gives the Dashers a scoring option in their middle six while Empire collects a draft pick and a young guy with potential who can play several positions.

The big trade came later in the day as disgruntled defenseman Louis Brooksfield had requested a trade and promised to never again suit up for Motown. This left Quarles with few options but Howler-Hawkins stepped up for the big asking price and ponied up their first round pick and defenseman Reggie Finland to acquire the talented veteran Brooksfield. The move gives the Dashers an instant upgrade offensively from the blue line and gives Motown a probable late-round first to lick their wounds and a young bruiser in Finland.


The firesale continued in Motown as the Chrome traded veteran backup goalie Nate Millen to District United for a 3rdRound draft pick and minor league goalie Willie Sargent. The move gives the Ducks a backup with veteran experience and they can send Werner Koontz back down for development.

Motown then sent veteran center Reid Cone to Liberty Athletic for Eugene Zahner. The Libbys have a very young squad and Cone, despite being 35, will bring some needed experience to the roster as they make a playoff push.

This biggest surprise of the day was what didn't happen, as Motown elected not to fire the whole staff despite leaguewide reports to that regard. Young Bart Boxbender recently reported that Craig Carlsson was holding some kind of damning information over owner Quincy Quarles. While Quarles would not comment, perhaps there is more going on in Detroit than meets the eye.

A late trade came through before the deadline passed as Monarques sent young defender Ollie DeVine and a late round pick to Empire City for veteran defenseman Alex Bonds. Monarques had stood pat all day but the offer from EC was too good to pass up.

Mercurial goalie Abe Kohler has returned to Montreal despite some nasty reports in the media about his involvement in a domestic altercation that landed him in the league penalty box with a 3 week suspension. It appears his starting job has been officially given to Cameron Shiggs but Monarques will continue to do some platooning.

In other news, Empire's Oliver Besser has officially retired following a brutal ankle injury. The 35-year-old becomes the first retiree of PUCH after just 2.5 months with the club. Empire called up forward Shayne Otero to cover his roster spot. In similar fashion, Howler-Hawkins sent down winger Todd Hollis due to his injury and after a busy day in the trade market, called up forwards Myles Grimes, 26, and Jeff Mintz, 23, to fill out the fourth line depth.

With that, Commissioner Emerson announced the deadline was over and the April season would begin in a few hours.

Up next: April 1982