FOR INTERTEMPORAL RELEASE

14 𐐖𐐭𐑌 2021

𐐇𐐼𐑋𐐲𐑌𐐻𐐲𐑌, 𐐈𐐢𐐒 - A reading from the book of 𐐝𐐭𐑅, chapter 1, verses 1 through 9:

¹The sun did not shine.
It was too cold to play.
So we sat in the house
all that cold, frozen day.

²I sat there with Iggy.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, 'How I wish
we had something to do!'

³Too cold to go out
and too cold to play ball.
So we sat in the house.
We did nothing at all.

⁴So all we could do was to
Sit!
      Sit!
            Sit!
                  Sit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

⁵And then something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!

⁶We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Cat in the Hat!
And he said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?

⁷I know it is cold
and the sun is not sunny.
But Iggy, we're rich!
Now I have oil money!"

⁸Then I said, "What to do
when the dirt is so rocky?"
Said the cat, "Stupid b*tch!
Haven't you heard of hockey?"

⁹Then Iggy and I
did not know what to say.
So we strapped on our knife shoes
and skated away.

The word of 𐐝𐐭𐑅, for the people of 𐐝𐐭𐑅. Thanks be to 𐐝𐐭𐑅.

Congratulations to all of our new owners. Welcome to the AltHL. We are excited to have you apart of the league. 

Now it is time to start building each of your teams. What we need from you at this point...

Team Arena 
Minor League Team AAA
Minor League Team AA
 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Detroit, MI

After the AltHL's expansion to 6 new cities, owner Andy has decided to part ways with the Quebec Owls. He said, "It was a tough decision, but ultimately it was the decision that needed to be done. I just hope that someone can come and---"

Receptionist: "Mr. Kroonkles, Kingsfan11 is on the phone, he says he needs to speak to you urgently."

"I'll be right there."

"What's new, KF11?"
"Well, I just saw that you had given up ownership of Quebec. Poor timing as I had just picked up Detroit with the last pick." 
"That really is a shame, man. You could have picked them up from me, being from Quebec and all..."
"Well, that's why I'd like to speak with you. I know you just built headquarters in the Detroit area, and I just bought the Angels. Here's what I'll offer you. I'll buy the Owls now that you're gone, and I give you the Angels."

"Done."

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Kroonkles."

And just like that, we have the first Owner trade in AltHL history. It's a shame Quebec has been juggled around for so long, but I know they're in good hands. As for me, I gotta go say HALO to my new subjects-- workers in Detroit. 
 

Rural Ontario.

In a small village that is older than Canada, there is a small industrial park from the 1800s. There, we find our man. Bearded and little overweight, he stands in the midst of the ruins wearing a navy and white stripped blazer and jeans. Turning to the press, he said, "I will be taking ownership of the Ottawa Guardians. Our AAA team will be the Gatenauex Roughriders, and the AA will be the Windsor Hurricanes. Gatenauex is named after the famous Ottawa Roughriders if the CFL an Windsor is named after the Hurricane fighters of WW2. We have a great city, and a great system. Our fans will be loud, our teams will be tough. Time to Guard the Capital."

As of yet, Dol Amroth Corps has not announced the arena they will be occupying, but reports say there may be many fantastical elements to the design. Owner Osgiliath Guard has stated that coaches will be announced after the roster is set, but reports link multiple former players, including names from the San Francisco Dragons and Vancouver Glaciers.

Last edited by Osgiliath Guard (6/28/2021 5:33 am)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

MAY 2 20... err... actually it's JUNE 14 2021

“Dire aren’t you going to announce something important?”

“What do you mean? The only thing I know I’m supposed to do is work on my dumb fictional sports league.”

“You have an AltSports team you still need to announce.”

“Oh, right, that thing”

As soon as Dire said that, his eyes widened as if he had made a grave mistake.

“I’m seeing ghosts.”

“Figuratively or lit...?”

Before the intern even got to finish their sentence, Dire was already out of the building on his way to the nearest podium he could where there conveniently were reporters ready for a major announcement.

“We’ve been standing here for over a month! Thank the Holy Spirit you’re finally here! So what are your important announcement or announcements?” The reporters all somehow said in unison.

“Well sorry to keep you waiting I’ve been doing stuff. So anyway, I would like to properly introduce myself as the new owner of the Chicago Ghosts. And with some new ownership we have some new minor league affiliates. I would like to present to the world for the first time our new AAAltHL and AAltHL teams: the Indiana Thunderbolts and the Memphis Jackals!”

The AAA team that called Indy home will be staying home, but the newly-renamed Pennzoil Arena will house a rebranded team. The Thunderbolts is a take on the lightning fast cars that zoom within Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and feature a modern uniform set with gold primary and black alternate.



The AA team that was originally in Daytona will be moving slightly up north near Beale Street into the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid Arena, where Dire bought the Pyramid with a crisp $2 bill, a huge fish he found in the Mississippi, and the inflatable Pyramid of Giza from a movie feature small yellow minion-type creatures. The Jackals are named after the Egyptian God of death, Anubis, who is traditionally represented by a jackal. They have a more traditional set, with a red primary and a black alternate.



“Oh, and one final announcement,” Dire quickly said, “we’re hiring a new coach, which will be Joel Quennville from the period of 2010-2015.” No reason was given why that period in particular, as Dire ran back to his office located right next door to the press room.