Alternate History Sports

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4/05/2020 11:32 pm  #21


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Sunday, April 5 2020

In a surprise announcement, the Barely There Sports Management Group announced that it will purchase the Philadelphia Founders of the newly formed AltHL. "We couldn't think of a better choice, " said possible CEO and alleged founder, Balu the Bare. "The Founders were one of the teams on our list of teams that would maybe, possibly still be available when we were able to purchase a team and we jumped at the chance as soon as we were able."

The acquisition is a surprise for Barely There, a company seemingly created overnight, but Balu the Bare insists that the Founders are in good hands. "We've got it totally under control and we think the people of Philadelphia fans are going to be pleased with the work we're going to put in to make the Founders a winner."


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4/05/2020 11:45 pm  #22


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

Welp, time to give the people what they want, drama.

For Immediate Release:

Charlotte, North Carolina

World famous Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth has bought complete control over the Charlotte Racers. His purchase has sparked quite the stir from all of the hockey world, as he has turned his image in the law world in a complete 180 over the past couple years after becoming a prosecutor in Germany in 2012, mentored by the ruthless Manfred Von Karma. He mainly practiced in the LA area until 2016, gaining quite a controversial rapport until finding his own mentor guilty of a case that happened 15 years prior, which prompted him to travel the world, studying and practicing law. He was recently reinstated in April after a brief resignation. In a public interview outside of the Racers home arena, affectionately called the Ice Garage, where he announced his purchase wearing a Racers jacket instead of his usual crimson jacket, he stated, “I have gone through many trials throughout my life, from the death of my father, to finding out my mentor killed him, even finding my own reason for prosecuting. This purchase is my way to immerse myself into a community as a lawyer.”

The 27 year old has had countless classic battles in the courtroom, many involving his childhood friend and former defense attorney Phoenix Wright, who was recently disbarred for forging evidence. When asked of the matter, Edgeworth simply stated, “The Wright I know would never do that, I can sense that a dark age in law is upon us, and we need a new hope.”

Major advocate for the city’s selection QCS was seen as the majority agreed owner of the franchise by others outside the owners circle, so it’s no surprise that many were shocked to see Miles purchase the Racers last minute. When asked, he gave his signature shrug and light chuckle, and said, “You keep your friends close, and enemies closer. This is how it’s always been in court cases for me, and it’s no different in the sports world. I would like to publicly ask QCS if there are any possible peace offerings, and if so, leave a message in my mailbox at my office.”

When asked about the hockey team itself, he answered, “In my travels and analysis, I believe I can put together a championship team immediately, and every citizen of Charlotte and both Carolinas will most certainly be able to call the Ice Garage a friendly home. I want to thank Gritty for making this league a possibility, and giving me a chance to shape a team into a true champion. I simply cannot wait to start this season. We will race by all foes.”

Last edited by ProsecutorMilesEdgeworth (4/06/2020 1:43 am)


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Charlotte Racers (2016 AltHL Champions) St. Louis Explorers (2000 & 2011 AltBowl Champions) Minnesota Giants (2000, 2004, 2006 & 2014 AltBA Champions)
"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor. That is a pepper, of course."
 

4/06/2020 8:37 am  #23


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

The stunner.  I am interested to see how this plays itself out. Here's the updated draft list.

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     Thread Starter
 

4/06/2020 9:39 am  #24


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Starry-eyed owner brings the bark to Toronto

A rather tall young man wearing a printed suit-and-tie T-shirt addressed a small but passionate crowd in front of the Ripley’s Aquarium of Canada today. ThisIsFine, whose true identity is known only to the public as “Rick”, has made a purchase with Ice Age Entertainment to become the majority owner of the AltHL’s Toronto Terriers.

Rick, a man from Oakville who originally worked as a hotel tycoon and interior designer, is controversial when it comes to how he acquired his wealth at his age, but any theories were overshadowed by the announcement. “Toronto is an amazing city full of some of the greatest people in the world.” He said when he took the podium. “I don’t care where they designate the capital, because they are wrong. We are Canada’s city, and we are Canada’s children. You have all waited so long for a hockey team like the Terriers, and you deserve it. Congratulations, Toronto. I’ll see you at hockey season.”

He then whipped out a Big Gulp cup full of water (his idea of a reusable water bottle) and left. A fan in the crowd was asked about the team, and she said “I can’t wait to see where we go with our team. Maybe we’ll win, maybe we’ll lose, but I will wear the red nonetheless.”


https://i.ibb.co/7vx4W5z/EC22-D710-7-B88-4422-817-E-CFFC18-F5-C07-C.jpg
Inmate and Official Riot Provoker of the AHSylum
Official Owner of the Toronto Terriers (5x Canadian Shield Champs), Toronto Beavers (3x AltBowl Champs), and Honolulu Kahunas (1x AltBA Champs)
 

4/06/2020 10:29 am  #25


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Portland, OR

News came in this morning that eccentric, billionaire Fredrick “Fire” Hydrant has acquired majority ownership of the Portland Sawblades, a new professional hockey team making their debut in the AltHL next season.

Red, a famous TV producer, is known for his wildly and oddly popular live action shows that reimagine classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons, giving them an edgy, dark storyline. His most popular include Wacky Races (2015), Top Cat (2017) and The Jetsons (2019). Recently, Red has found a new hobby and success in ferret breeding, but was missing the rush of high energy drama that he found in his TV shows, which inspired the purchase of a hockey team.

We caught up to him on a call this morning where he said, “This is going to be a lot of fun! Portland is a beautiful city, and I am quite fond of this idea of field hockey with knifes. As soon as I was informed that the Sawblades were mine I jumped in the VW Bug and started heading to the City of Roses. I am currently crossing the New Mexico border now!” ———-

This is when the phone call cut out. The city of Portland is generally excited for their new team and have full faith in their offbeat owner, the only concerning thing is that Red was actually located in the Bay Area prior to leaving for his new city... let’s hope he finds his way before the season starts

Last edited by Thehealthiestscratch (4/06/2020 10:31 am)


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4/06/2020 11:06 am  #26


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

​For Immediate Release:

DENVER, CO - 
Charlotte-based designer and sports fan QCS has decided to take control of the Denver Bighorns of the AltHL. This comes after the shocking revelation that ProsecutorMilesEdgeworth took the majority shares of the Charlotte Racers, stunning both QCS and the AltHL community. When asked about Edgeworth's actions, QCS responded "It's his decision, but I'm going to talk to him about this. Either way, here in the City a Mile High, I am fully committed to bringing the AltHL cup to this wonderful community."

Fans and even league officials have pondered what this statement could mean, though QCS insists it's nothing aggressive and more simple surprise at the actions. Fans in Denver are worried that this means QCS' focus may be more on Charlotte than Denver, but he doesn't believe that will happen at all. "I am here to make sure that the city of Denver gets what they deserve: the best hockey team in the world!"

When asked about any potential rivalry with Charlotte, QCS said "I have nothing against the wonderful fans of my home city, but I won't lie if you asked me what I thought of their owner. I hope that both fans in the Queen City and the Mile High City get an excellent rivalry for years to come!"


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Check out the RIBF here and the KLH here!
 

4/06/2020 11:28 am  #27


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

For Immediate Release

New York City, NY


In a developing story, the New York Gargoyles, a new professional hockey club, set to hit the ice in the fall of 2020 for the blossoming new hockey league; AltHL, has been bought by a woman who has requested to solely be named as Dr.Pepper. The Bluegrass based artist said she has been interested in the team since day one. "The name Gargoyles caught my eye immediately as a team that should be on my radar. My interest only grew as the rest of the details were revealed." While not at the top of her list, Dr.Pepper stated she was surprised to see the team fall down the board and was ecstatic when the team was still up for grabs with the 16th pick. "It was almost a no-brainer." She said when asked if she was considering any other teams when her pick rolled around.

Fans of the AltHL has asked how someone with no hockey experience is gonna be able to handle the largest market in the league. She put it quite simply with "I want to do everything I can do to win, but for right now I'm just having fun. It's gonna be a real fun ride of a season y'all." 

When asked about any connections to the actual entity and famous soda "Dr.Pepper" Dr.Pepper denied any such connections or attachments. "I just like Dr.Pepper!" She said. When followed up by a question asking if the team was affiliated to any larger corporation or company, she confirmed that the team was in good hands and there was nothing to "have a buzz about." "I'm seriously excited y'all, bring it on AltHL let's see what you can come at me with!"

 

4/06/2020 11:45 am  #28


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

FOR RELEASE WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT, I DUNNO, SOMETIME SOON MIGHT BE GOOD, I GUESS:

Monday, April 6, 2020

Fargo, North Dakota - JHA Holdings announced at a press conference today in an undisclosed location in rural North Dakota that JHA President J. H. Ark has acquired controlling ownership in the Calgary Wranglers.

JHA Holdings, a small investment group founded in 2017 with locations in such irrelevant locations as Fargo, ND; Springfield, MA; Springfield, MN; Springfield, MS; Springfield, MO; Springfield, MI; Springfield, MD; and Calgary, Canada has never before owned or sponsored a sporting franchise above the amateur level. President J. H. Ark, a human(?) of indeterminate age and a personal fan of hockey and other sporting games or whatnot, heard of the AltHL “through ESP mind readings of some people on the internet” and said today, “What the heck. Why not? Why not get a team? I’m gonna get a team. That’s what I’m gonna do. Aaaaaaany minute now. Wait for it. Waaait for it. Aaaand. Now I own the Wranglers. Boom. Easy. Simple as that.”

The JHA team has little previous experience in the fields of sports management or graphic design, as Mr. Ark commented, “I had a fantasy football team that was the worst in the office league for a few years, does that count? It better count. Otherwise, this might not go so well.”

When asked about the future of the franchise, Mr. Ark responded, “We’re going to win. That is our plan. That’s what sports teams do. If we don’t win, we’ll lose, I guess. That’s the other option. Most of all, we’re going to have fun. We want everyone to have fun. We aim to become not only the team of Calgary, but of Alberta, and of markets not yet represented. If nothing else, I’ll have fun at least. See? I’m having fun already. Woo!” After his barely enthusiastic shout, a cloaked JHA Holdings employee unceremoniously yanked J. H. Ark of the stage with a shepherd's crook, took the mic, and said, “No more questions. Please. More than enough has been said.”

When not asked for comment, AltHL President, CEO, and Benevolent Overlord Gritty gave no comment. No surprises there. 

(edited for formatting)

Last edited by JamHeronArk (4/06/2020 11:47 am)


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4/06/2020 12:06 pm  #29


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

Here is the completed AltHL Owner Draft.  Tune back in a little later for a new video and announcements for the next phase of the AltHL.

https://i.ibb.co/4RPQwWD/Draft-Full.png


https://i.ibb.co/YjgVyf0/Alt-Sports-Spectrum.png
 
     Thread Starter
 

4/06/2020 1:16 pm  #30


Re: AltHL - Owner Draft and Beyond

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
April 6, 2020

San Francisco (AP)
- In an undisclosed location, Photographic Memory Enterprises (PhotoMem for short) CEO Michael Burmy announced that his recently-launched PhotoMem Sports division has purchased its first franchise, taking over operations for the San Francisco Dragons of the AltHL.

Many wondered how Mr. Burmy had felt about being dead-last in the Owner Draft, and how he would manage with what he got.  To their surprise, this was actually the outcome Mr. Burmy had most desired, "Anyone who knows about the history of PhotoMem's other holdings, PhotoMem Music Group and PhotoMem Films, knows that we take pride in signing the artists and casting the actors nobody else seems to want and making hit-songs and films from them" Burmy clarified.  "So it fits perfectly with our M.O. that PhotoMem would get the team which nobody else wanted, make them contenders, and do what we do best in exposing the naysayers and proving them wrong."

As someone who appreciates Bay Area music and culture, Burmy is already thinking of various promotions and theme nights to get the fans coming from all nine counties.  "Even though our name represents the City and County of San Francisco, we're going to make sure our presence is felt in Alameda, Contra Cosa, Marin, Napa, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Solano and Somona counties as well.  With the FIRE inside our fanbase ready for hockey's return, and their BLOOD pumping faster with every play, the San Francisco Dragons will be ready to set the AttHL ablaze."


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