Alright folks, we have a time for the draft - it will be Sunday, August 13th at 8PM Eastern. We hope to see you there!

Kickoff is always a special time, and we're going to spend as much time near water as we can. We're opening the season for Florida Panhandle at home, as the Jellyfish host the Moose. The Jellies are lead this season by Senior Quarterback, Jordan Travis! As we're at home, we'll be wearing our standard home look, with sapphire helmets, sapphire jerseys, and mint pants. #JellyfishSmackdown


Kickoff is also a special time in the Pacific Ocean, as the Hawaii State Hawks are looking to kick off their season. With beachfront Halau Stadium renovations finishing up, we're ready for the new season as we start on the road in Texas as we face Lone Star University this week. The Hawks look to capitalize on the strong play of Heisman hopeful and projected top pick in the AltFL draft, Drake Maye, and get a big win in Texas. We're wearing our standard jerseys, white helmet, white jersey, white pants in this one. #HIState

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!

Today, a very visibly shaken Dick Dingleberry, the longtime AltSPN personality (and known grouch), released a bombshell of an announcement, claiming that he has finally solved the mystery of the Stickmen, those strange (and often irritating) sports team owners perhaps more famous for their antics than they for their debatable skills are running their teams.    

"I was over at Michigan Institutional University... or was it Michigan Collegiate Institute?   Eh, whatever, the damned name don't make a difference!  I was over at MIU trying to get an interview with University President Stickman... and it all happened like this..." 

(CUE FLASHBACK WAVY LINE EFFECT TO APPROXIMATELY 3 HOURS AGO... YES, OF COURSE YOU CAN DO THIS IN NEWSPAPER ARTICLES!  WHY ARE YOU ALL QUESTIONING THIS?!)

Dick Dingleberry walked away from University President Stickman's office, in a foul mood after being denied an interview by his foul mouthed and dirty minded young blonde secretary with the pink dress and goggles (seriously?  Dick was convinced that she hadn't yet graduated from whatever elite Japanese high school that she claimed to have attended.  And she was supposed to be an "Ultimate Inventor" too?   Whatever that was).   He had been trying for years to get an interview with this supposedly brilliant scientist, this latest Stickman.  After all, the elite science program was allegedly MIU's main selling point, with their fingers apparently deep into top secret bioengineering, U.F.O. studies, and even extreme hypnosis (MIU had claimed they could literally rewrite history by convincing every person on the planet to believe a lie with this technique.  Dick believed that to be nonsense).   All of the studies were supposed to be run by Stickman, while also being responsible for his duties as the founder of the college. 

Whatever, Dick thought to himself as he walked around a couple making out- right in front of a classroom too!-, this guy is probably just as phony and stupid as the rest of them were.  Whether they were immature man children that employed trail park psychics (Hockey Stickman), wimps that literally let their wiener dogs run the team (Football Stickman), flamboyant showmen with a house of horrors for his staff (Basketball Stickman), maniacs who literally would attempt to stage a coup on another owner's city over some Power Rankings (Baseball Stickman), to plain sleazy and evil jerks that tried to con everyone by cutting corners and employing children to work forced cheap labor in order to save a buck (Soccer Stickman), they were all garbage in his eyes.   What hope could he have for University President Stickman?

Dick shook himself to his senses.   In his reminiscing over his past horrors with the Stickmen, he had inadvertently gotten himself lost in this institute and found himself staring at what looked like any other wall.   Except... this one was ever a slightly darker shade of green than the rest of the college's, (why green walls anyway?).   Curious, he gently touched the door and to his shock, watched it shift backwards.   More and more it moved, until it revealed a hidden hallway to the left!   

What are earth was this, he thought to himself.  There's no way... even the Stickmen wouldn't go so far as to have a secret passageway to some hidden shenanigans, would they?   Of course they would.  But should Dick go inside?  This was probably wrong of him to do so, but Dick Dingleberry was not a hack writer to be held back by some legalities and social politeness.   He was a real journalist!  And a damned good one too!   If he had to sneak into some creepy dark hallway to get a lead, he'd do it without 2nd thought!   "The people deserve the facts... ALL the facts" Dick quietly recited to himself (a mantra of his since he own college days as a simple student) as he slipped into the hallway.

The hall twisted and turned and seemed to go on for an eternity, but Dick was determined to find out where this lead to.   Even if it was just to some private bathroom for Stickman to use in order to avoid the general population, it could still be used as a story, just a very disappointing one. After at least 15 minutes of weaving around the passageway, it suddenly stopped.  A single, very heavy looking gray door with a giant tinted window loomed large over Dick.   It would have been very imposing... if not for the little sign hanging on the door with the childish handwriting on it, stating, "Keep Out of Else..".   It even had a poorly drawn skull and crossbones under the wording!   Good lord, Dingleberry thought, how immature is this guy?  He was going to be a real treat to interview... of course he had to be in there, right?  Dick felt like he was in rare form today, ready to rip this goofy Stickman to shreds for... well, whatever he was doing in there.  He took a deep breath, opened the door, and marched right inside.

Rows of what looked like giant tubes lined the large room, leaving only enough space for a sinister looking operating table and several computers.   "Holy..." Dick began to think to himself, "...this is GOLD!!!  This'll definitely make the top story on AltSPN!   Eat your heart out, Johnny Armando!"  (referencing another AltSPN writer).   Wondering what could possible on these computers, Dick chose one and found a bright red button on it that had writing on it, "No Touchy! If You Do, You Vill Be Sorry!".   Of course, Dick immediately pressed it.

The giant tubes apparently had lights inside of them, as pressing the button turned each one on, one by one.   It probably took at least a full minute for them all to turn on, but Dick quickly lost track of time... as he could only stare in stunned horror...

Each tub had a person inside it!  And not just any person... no, he really had done it, there was no denying it, each one of the test subjects looked exactly the same, with dark hair, a beard, a third nipple with strange hair around it, and were approximately 5'7" feet tall... they were all... Stickmen.  

"CLONES?!"  Dick couldn't even stop himself from exclaiming aloud, "F***ING CLONES?!  OF ALL THE STUPIDITY THAT I'VE DEALT WITH WITH THIS IDIOTS, THIS IS THE WORST!   F***ING CLONES?!  HOW... utterly cliche, actually.  The mad scientist who cloned himself in order to own a bunch of sports team... huh.   Well, this is definitely the story of the year"

"I vouldn't be so sure about that" said a voice behind Dick, the sudden (and very German) sounds made him nearly jump out of his skin.  "You von't be convincing anyvon of vhat you're seeing".   "Oh really?" challenged Dick, sounding a whole lot more confident and brave than he felt.  Having already been recording the conversation (Dick always had his micro-recorder on for just this sort of emergency), Dick steadied his voice and continued.  "What are you going to do about that?   You going to try to kill me or something?   I'm expected back at headquarters shortly and if I'm late, I have a team ready to find me in no time.   You won't get away with silencing the truth, you freak!".  Dick wasn't sure why, but he felt literally terrified of this Stickman.   All the others were certainly chaotic and likely a danger to society already, but this one... this original Stickman, seemed a real threat.   And worst of all, Dick felt like Stickman knew he was bluffing.   He could get offed any second now and nobody would ever know what happened to him.

"Kill you?   HAHAHAHA, oh please!   I vouldn't kill you!   Why would I do such a thing" laughed Stickman loudly.  "Yes, I cloned myself, many, many times over.   I did it to create a perfect utopia, vhere my carefully planted Stickmen vule every country in the vorld!   Vith my trustvorthy leadership of course, to guide vhem along.   Vhink about it!   No more var!  No more starving children!   No more hatred and prejudice!  With all the nations on the planet thinking alike, ve vill all learn to love one another in perfect unity!"

"That's all very good and all..." Dick began, subconsciously checking his recorder to make sure it was still on and that he was getting all this, "But given that your... other Stickmen that have surfaced so far have been incompetent and vengeful fools so far, how can you ever hope for this utopia?  All that's going to happen is that they'll start fighting with each other and very likely will cause World War 3!   The Stickmen I've seen are so stupid, they'd find a way to destroy the entire Earth!   What do you say about that?"

Stickman paused for a moment, then answered simply, "I have nothing to say at all to you.   You're a naysayer, a nincompoop if you vill, so I von't listen to a vord you say!".   He even stuck his tongue out at Dingleberry, which both confused and strangely relieved Dick.   He was wrong after all.   This Stickman was no more threatening than any of the others, perhaps it should have been obvious after all.   A fool of a creator will merely create more fools.   

"Alright, this has gone on long enough", Dick said, "I'm leaving and reporting you to every known authority that will listen!   You and your science experiments are finished!"  He walked past Stickman and out the door.

"No one believe you, Dingy Berry Man!"  Stickman called out.  "I know my plan for vorld revolution is extreme.   It's so extreme, in fact, that nobody vill ever believe that I could pull this off!   You'll be ridiculed, Richey Dingy!   Shunned!   All vhile I continue my experiments, perfecting them to the point of... ummm... well perfection!" 

He had a point.   This was such a dastardly plan, so ridiculous, that if Dick wasn't literally in the room witnessing it, he would have laughed off himself.  Still, he was a journalist, and a journalist exposes the truth for all to know!   He continued on his way, notified everyone that he could to quickly gather about so that he could get the facts out there swiftly!

(CUE FLASHBACK WAVY LINE EFFECT AGAIN, TO RIGHT NOW.  I TOLD YOU ALL, YES, YOU CAN DO THIS IN NEWSPAPER ARTICLES!  QUIT QUESTIONING ME!)

"... and that's all I have to say about this.   You have all heard this tape, proving Stickman's scheme!  I know it's shocking and horrible, but it's true!  If the authorities don't immediately search the University President's laboratory, he will unleash a nightmare upon this great world... more Stickmen!" Dick concluded.   He had done it, exposed his arch nemesis, the bringer of so much of his personal misery.   It would only be a matter of time now until Stickman was finally brought to permanent justice.   

Only... nobody was up in arms over the matter.  In fact, to Dick's horror, everyone was frowning and shaking their heads at him!   Could it be that University President Stickman was right, the story was just too crazy to believe!  Could people just not be able to handle the truth?  Then he noticed... them  

Within the crowd were several black suited men, all with dark hair and beards, wearing sunglasses and fedoras. They were chanting some kind of nonsense to each person there, and some were chanting in front of the cameras! Dick didn't need to see the mysterious mens' third hairy nipple to know what had happened.  It was far worse than he thought possible.   The Stickmen... had already taken over the world.   University President Stickman hadn't told Dick about his plan before he had initiated it.   He had told Dick because he had already accomplished his goal.   There was no hope... 

Welp, that's the end of it, Dick figured.   He knew Stickman wasn't going to have him killed indeed.   Why waste a life when you could just ruin it by hypnotizing everyone on the planet that you were a liar?   Truly, Dick Dingleberry was to suffer a fate far worse than death itself, to know the horrible truth of the Earth, only to be shunned by an entire people of idiots.  He needed a drink... many, many, many drinks.   

Fin

(Thank you all so much for suffering through Mr. Stickman's nonsense.   I've been waiting a long, long time to finally finish the Stickman story.  Hope you all enjoyed... or at least laughed a little!)

Get ready for another season of Johns Island football! We welcome you to the scenic drive down the historic Bohicket Road, one of the most famous sights in the AltCAA. In particular, we welcome the Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical Fightin' Muskrats under the canopy and into Bohicket Stadium for a week one matchup. Leading the way is enigmatic running back Quinshon Judkins, who was electric after gaining the starting role midway through last season. As always, we're wearing white at home to kick off the year. #HeardOnHigh

Last edited by ItDoesntMatter (8/31/2023 12:18 am)

It's time to kick off a new Rebels season! Riel is going to be the first to head out to one of the new football programs at College of the Hallows. We are going to be wearing our typical road unis, with RB Donovan Edwards modelling. #TheRIELDeal #Rebels2023 #AltCAAkickoff2023